I Fucking Hate Elves

I HATE ELVES. Lothorian, Drucii, Drow, Mirkwood, Last Homely House, Moon Elfs, Sun Elves, Silvanesti, Qualinesti, Kagonesti, Wood Elves, Dark Elves, Slave Workers of Santa Claus, and even the two most recognizable space elfs- Eldar and Vulcans. I can't stand the pointy eared Mary-Sues. Gimme a beard and an axe, then I'm a happy camper.

'Oooh, pretty and magic, and we're so perfect and immortal- YA!'. You know what else is pretty, perfect, and immortal? The vampires (HA!) of Twilight. Funk that jazz! Same thing. Same Mary Sue. Don't come out and tell me that I'm off the mark here, it's my damn opinion and I'm welcome to it.

That's the thing. I keep looking for decent elves, and boom, I'm hampered by the perfectness of them. The only Elves I ever enjoyed were Prachett's Diskworld Elves (who are much more like the traditional fey then any others) and Shadowrun (who are vaguely androgeneous and magic). Just those two, the rest feel like they are out of a teenagers dream journal. So pretty, and above all that trouble of the world, and having all that information of esoteric magic. You want to know what a Elf is? It's a pointy eared hipster. 'Oh, you're using bat gauno for fireballs? That's ok, I guess, but I really prefer the guano of the nocturnal barn owl. It's pretty specific, you probably haven't heard of doing that before, after all you're just learning.' Fuck elves, and their god damn hipster-twilightwannabe-better then you attitude.

You know why all these elves act like this? It's all Tolkien's fault. His elves at the time were unique. They were different, and like hobbits, they were something he came up with. Since then, every elf has been the same. Seriously, elf is short hand now-a-days. You don't have to do anything creative to create the character, its just; elf=archer, magically inclined, nature loving, pretty, immortal. Personality need not apply, its inherient in the system. I'm sure that someone somewhere will read this and go but what about so-and-so, that person is not such a cardboard cut out. Perhaps, perhaps. However, fuck that guy. He's still a pointy eared son of a bitch.

People wonder why I have such an intense hatred for elves. To be honest, I have no clue. No, I lie, I know exactly why. It's all due to the mortal version of immortality. They are flesh and blood, but EVERYTHING comes down to that immortality. It's all about the biology. They have perfect bodies, there is no cellular degeneration that happens. Once they hit their majority, boom, that's how they'll be for the rest of time. Everything is because of that perfect body. They are the ubermensch of Neitsche. The perfect body means beauty, it means no illness, it means longevity. Everything else is due to that perfect body. Excellent Martial Prowess with the bow, naturally if you live forever you learn well and you engage in warfare that makes it less likely for you to get hit back. Magical Knowledge, of course, after a little while even the most homebodied person will pick up a trick or two, and those who actually work at it will learn small esoteric truths that would escape others, simply because they have the time to devote to it. Enviromentalism, this one makes the most sense, seriously, if industrialization happened, a single elf would see the vast difference during his lifetime, and once that mistake was made a single time, they would work very hard at returning the despoiled area to the pristine beauty of the past since they can remember the golden sun of the previous times. Even the whole 'dying race' thing makes sense, put into prespective. With the extended lifespan of Elves, if they were to breed like humans then they would quickily fill the world with their numbers, because NONE OF THEM WOULD DIE, wars and other disasters keep them at such low numbers that they can't replenish themselves.

Speaking as a short, harry, asthmatic, ugly son of a bitch, Fuck Elves.